Mothers-of-Boys Focus Groups
I invite some friends who have sons over for wine, cheese and crackers. And yeah, maybe some olives too.
My living room is small, but we manage to squeeze together in a circle to share.
I ask them…
“Would you sign your son up for something like this even if he wasn’t showing behavioral or emotional problems?”
Yes.
“Would you sign your son up this program for one school semester even if that meant he had to miss soccer or basketball or some other sport?”
Yes.
“Do you like the name “Nurture” for the organization?”
No.
”Why?”
1) No one would know what it is.
2) The program isn’t about only encouraging the softer side of boys; it’s a program about helping boys identify and express ALL feelings, regulate those feelings, and then relate to others as emotional intelligent beings.
3) No boy would want to go to a class called Nurture.
All good and valid points. This is why we wanted to do a focus group.
I ask if they like these exercises:
Emoji Face: Boys partner up, and take turns, cycling through emotions on their face. Can you make a face for angry, sad, happy, jealous, confused, insecure, scared, and surprised? Can your partner identify these emotions on your face? After the pairs have had a chance to take turns, a volunteer will get up in front of the group and make the faces. Kids will yell out the emotions they see. Discussion to follow.
Guess That Emotion: Each kid is given an “emotion hat” labeled: angry, sad, scared. Based on how the kids in the group respond to them, they will have to guess what emotion they are. Discussion to follow.
Scenarios: Kids pick an emotion and then brainstorm possible scenarios that could elicit this particular feeling. Example: Jealousy - a new baby comes into the home and the boy feels like he is not getting enough attention. Discussion to follow.
When I ask them if they think their husbands would participate in the “Groups for Fathers and Grandfathers,” they are doubtful. Maybe if there son was in attendance with them, but they aren’t sure their husbands would show up on their own to talk to strangers about their feelings.
Yeah, therein lies the problem, right?
Sadly, Paul has to leave early, but we’re still in deep conversation and there is more wine to drink and cheese to eat.
The second the door closes, gloves come off.
”Men are stupid,” one mother admits to thinking.
Theres some laughter. Some agreement, and some strong disagreement.
It’s proof to me that this kind of space, these kinds of discussions, unearthing our biases, admitting to ourselves and others how we feel about the men in our lives (husband, brother, father, boss, neighbor) and then looking at how those feelings are consciously or unconsciously teaching our sons what it means to be male, need to exist.